OK. My anger with God has come down a bit. Instead of hollering and cussing God and trying to listen to HerHim between my expressions of what should have been done.

Now in the quiet time, I try to write some music, think of a future with Heather? and get scared to the depth of my soul where a constant pulsing pain lives. I need help but don’t know or think clearly enough to find it. It is hard to listen to others. I just want to be held in a on going warm embrace. Don’t pity me because I am dumb and blind.

For several days, well maybe a week, I worked through my anger at God. How dare He add one more affliction to Heather’s body which was already one of God’s rejects.  After many tears of self pity and wallowing deep sorrow for myself the idea came to me, one of little faith, that there just might be a lesson we both need to learn as well as being elevated to a higher plain in our relationship. Duh.  So with the  help of Heather’s loving grace she found a cite for me which is below. The link is http://www.esrdnetwork.org/assets/pdf/patient-edu/ForBetterorForWorse3.pdf. It has helped and I still am in a bit of a fog but feel there just may be some clearing ahead.